Tipping Points & Defining Moments

I start my exploration of coming out experiences in relation to SofB by picking up where I left off in Chapter Six: Lina’s use of false narratives, which produced constant aggravation, a compromised sense of self, and eventually led to a tipping point where she came out about her ULS. When we met, Lina explained that she was now very open about her ULS in her everyday life, but because I knew she was very “in the shadows” growing up, I asked her to describe the differences in approaches and

experiences. Lina began: “I feel strongly because I am working on this myself. It is never a single event. There may be one single event that triggers, or pushes you that last push. But there are a series of things that build up… little things began to happen.” She recounted an experience during university:

her class was scheduled to go on a trip to the United Nations and she was required to complete a

questionnaire with personal information such as name, address, citizenship status, passport number, etc.

Of the experience, Lina recalled: “that was the first time ever I felt that I was not safe. That was the first time that it was ‘real’ and I was terrified.” Lina’s concern was that someone would do a background check, discover her ULS, and that there would be consequences and thus she declined participation in the trip.

The following summer, Lina’s experiences of participation and exclusion during an internship became what she called “the turning point.” While Lina was participating in the internship program, she was struggling to find a way to be financially compensated for her contributions precisely as the result of her ULS—compensation that all other participants were receiving. Lina decided to talk to a trusted professor about these challenges and came out to him in the process. She explained that the professor searched widely for a solution that would not require that Lina divulge her ULS to others in the process. She recalled: “at that point, we were both so scared. Who do we talk to? Where do we go?

What if they find out? Who do we talk to in the school?” Because there was no clear procedure, no easily accessible information, and no network through which to obtain information and assistance, neither Lina nor her professor knew exactly what to do. She described the situation:

I remember I had to go into a room and talk to the two program directors about my status, and that was very hard for me. I had only come out to [my professor] and all of a sudden, I

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felt like I was forced to come out to two people I didn’t know and didn’t trust. I felt like that was a breaking point for me.

In the absence of information, Lina had no control of the situation. When she came out to her professor, her decision was a negotiation between need and trust. Here, Lina suddenly found herself disclosing her ULS to people she neither knew nor trusted; thus, coming out was imposed. This particular experience and the resulting emotions suggest the importance of both choice and trust in coming out strategies in relation to feelings of comfort, safety, and SofB.

Though Lina divulged her ULS to the two administrators and explained her challenges in relation to receiving remuneration for her contributions, this did not alter the outcome—another experience she defined as important to her coming out process:

At the beginning of the next semester, we got our program certificates. The distinction became very clear to me that day, because there were eleven of us. I was standing there and I had gotten my certificate and I couldn’t get paid for that fellowship…that was the first time I felt like I was looking at all of these people who have done the same type of work, but I might have even worked harder, and they were all getting remunerated for it and I am not. And there was a clear distinction in my head. It was a very strong feeling. And from there, I did a lot. I was really involved.

Lina was included as a group member, but she was aware of the distinction in recognition processes between herself and her fellow program participants. While she was symbolically recognized on paper as a participant, she was excluded from the official recognition and monetary compensation that she had otherwise earned as an active contributor.

The final factor that Lina cited in her coming out processes was the rejection of the DREAM Act in 2010. Upon hearing this news, Lina called an acquaintance and said “‘I am done, I don’t want to live like this anymore. Can you connect me with someone because I want to share my story?’” Lina explained that she was tired of hiding her ULS, living in the shadows, waiting for change to come and wanted to find a way to fight for change while being connected to other undocumented immigrants in the process. Though Lina had taken the initiative to find an opportunity to share her immigration story

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and ULS publically, when she was presented with this opportunity, she was still nervous and uncertain.

She explained that she was asked to share her story while being videotaped and recalled that she “felt so uneasy.” During discussions with her acquaintance about this nervousness, Lina had a realization:

“it was a wake-up call. Like a ‘you can do this moment’ type-of-moment. I have never actually thought about how significant that moment was.” Though there was a tangible nervousness, Lina decided to seize the moment and come out; in doing so, experienced “such a strong sense of liberation.” She added: “I think I could have very easily said no, but I think that I was very ready.

Enough things had happened in my life so I thought ‘ok, this is it. This is my moment.’” The

culmination of various negative experiences led Lina to a tipping point in which she chose to come out about her ULS. During this process, she cited various emotions: fear, uncertainty, injustice, inequality, lack of knowledge, lack of control, difficulty, unstable sense of self and ultimately: liberation.

Lina’s coming out story illustrates a complicated experience between personal choice and external imposition and the navigation between desire and need—phenomenon I frequently encountered in my discussions with youth, though the particular details often varied. Julia, for example, decided to come out about her ULS to her closest friends late in high school. Instead of citing fear as a major factor against coming out earlier, she cited the desire to avoid pity: “I didn’t want to make a big thing out of it and I just didn’t want people’s pity. That pisses me off. I didn’t want people’s pity just because of this. So I just didn’t want to tell anyone.” As previously described (section 6.2.2), Julia was seriously considering getting married to rectify her ULS; due to the uncertainty of the situation, Julia felt inclined to tell her closest friends about her upcoming plans, especially in the case anything went wrong:

I wasn’t sure what was going to happen, so I just thought it would be a good idea to tell them, just in case something happened…I didn’t want to be telling them from a Skype conversation, if I was somewhere else. Or if, for some reason, I had to go back to Chile. I didn’t want to be like “Oh, hey, by the way, I am here and I can’t come back.”

Though Julia’s life was full of uncertainties, the one aspect of her life she decided she could control was the management of her ULS in social relations, and particularly amongst her friends. For Julia, divulging her ULS was a means to reduce one uncertainty from her life, in the case that something drastic like detention or deportation should happen in another temporality.

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For Andrés, the decision to come out about ULS, detention, and the threat of deportation were all too closely linked. Andrés moved from Peru when he was an infant and growing up in New Jersey, he did not share his ULS with anyone. He explained that his secrecy was driven by fear: “I still had that fear—the wrong people knowing about my situation.” However, when he faced deportation, the situational change caused him to reconsider his approach about disclosure. While Andrés was visiting an extended family member’s home, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (I.C.E.) entered, and according to Andrés, claimed “they had been informed that there was a lady involved in drugs and they wanted to check to make sure she wasn’t [inside the house].” In the process, they detained Andrés and other family members and as Andrés said: “tried to deport us as fast as possible.”

In what became a multi-year legal battle to remain in the United States, Andrés received a letter stating two choices: deportation in sixty days or attempt to appeal his deportation. In both the desperation to stay and uncertainty of what to do, Andrés came out to a trusted counselor who advised him to seek the assistance of a local organization involved with undocumented immigrant’s rights. Andrés was advised to plan and participate in a public rally to stop his deportation, which would subsequently require that he come out publically. He was hesitant to participate and recalled: “I was still afraid. I thought ‘what if they just sped up my deportation process?’ 'Cause I knew they can. I tried to trust them.” However, the organization he was in contact with explained that instead of increasing the risk of deportation, coming out publically would decrease his risk. Andrés recalled that they “convinced me that the only thing [coming out] can do is help you. Because no one knows about your story, but the more people who know about your story, the more people who want to keep you here. The more people will fight for you.” Faced with desperation and uncertainty, and armed with a great deal of trust, Andrés came out publically. In doing so, Andrés was granted the right to stay in the United States—a right he believes he gained due to the public awareness and recognition of his story and struggle. While this is one example of a coming out story, the relationship between sharing ULS and safety was a perception I frequently encountered amongst youth.

In an example that cites both social movement participation and public openness of ULS, Luiza

explained that immigration authorities “want to stay away as much as possible from people who are the most active…who have a lot of connections, who have a lot of relationships.” The quantity of

attachments, the quality of participation, and the number of people who know one’s story are

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associated with increased safety and the decreased chance of detainment. Likewise, Elena called coming out a “life strategy” and illuminated that disclosure of ULS is a means to manage identity, well-being, and SofB: “you have to come out. It is a survival strategy. It’s either you come out, or little pieces of you die off…” Elena further described coming out as a means to manage personal safety in relation to SofB: “It’s a tactic, right? If there were something to happen, there would be uproar within our communities. They know better, not to do anything!” Some 1.5GUY I interviewed firmly believe that the more people that know an individual and their ULS, the better.