Recognition of Differences

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While these are just some examples, together they illustrate the prominence and diversity of parental approaches to discussions about ULS, including disclosure, secrecy, non-disclosure, and ambiguity.

Parents instructions to not disclose ULS to outsiders was a frequently encountered phenomenon and one that extended across all nationalities and methods of entry. Youth explained that they surmised that their parents’ instructions were motivated by fear, desire to protect, shame, and stigma. Notably, parents’ instructions to not disclose ULS, to behave in a certain way, or to pretend to be born in the United States illustrate not the youth’s own coping strategies, but rather those of their parents, which in turn condition the 1.5GUY’s everyday lives, experiences, and identities, and their overall SofB. That parents take these approaches indicate the negative and early influences of ULS on the lives and experiences of everyday SofB for 1.5GUY.

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everyday participation in the educational system was neither positive, nor lead to SofB. For some 1.5GUY, negative experiences are not necessarily or solely the result of ULS, but still negatively influence everyday SofB.

Sofía also recalled struggling in school, particularly during her first year, which she described as:

Literally the hardest year of my life. I didn’t know the language. I didn’t know what anyone was saying to me. In my first grade class, the teacher just spoke English. All of my classmates just spoke English. No one translated. She would literally just hand me

assignments and I would cry. I had no idea what to do.

Sofía’s lack of English linguistic skills—though not fault of her own—structured her early everyday life in the United States. Though she was included in the educational system, she was unable to understand what was going on. Sofía’s linguistic exclusion was not just a difference, but also a distinction that mitigated her ability to participate, leading to further emotional consequences.

Diego, who entered the educational system at the age of ten, also explained his feelings and experiences of difference in his early life in the United States:

I remember going to school and the kids looking at me like they had never seen a person like me, I guess. I couldn’t speak English. Every time they asked me something, I didn’t respond. I was like “what are you talking about?” In Spanish of course. The teachers wanted to help me, but they didn’t know how, since they didn’t speak Spanish. I had only one good friend that I made from those people and he had to translate everything for me. I didn’t even know how to say “where is the bathroom?” It was hard.

Diego’s narrative illustrates that while he was included as a student in the educational system, the lack of a common language through which to communicate even the most basic of needs meant he was excluded from equal everyday participation. Even when the desire or intent to help was present, the inability to communicate led to feelings of difference and exclusion. If not for his one friend who translated, he would have been completely excluded.

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However, Diego’s experience goes beyond linguistic difference and exclusion. He also recalled the gaze of his peers, which he perceived to be the result of his physical appearance—a point made evident from his statement that the kids looked at him “like they had never seen a person” like him before.

Diego was aware of outsider’s recognition of his identity characteristics and physical differences. He explained that when he graduated from fifth to sixth grade, his English abilities had greatly improved, but added “people were still looking at me in a different way.” In general, his encounters with peers left him feeling different and “out of place,” which he described as being “tough.”

Like Isabel, Diego, and many of the other 1.5GUY I talked to, Daniel also encountered challenges with English, education, and feelings of difference. He recalled his early life in the U.S. school system, which he began at the age of eleven:

Basically, I was the kid that would never talk, unless they asked me to. Whenever they asked me to, I would feel really awkward to answer because even though I would

understand it, speaking it was a huge part of the language and I just didn’t feel comfortable doing it.

Daniel experienced awkwardness and discomfort due to his perceived lack of English abilities; whether his English skills were indeed limited or not is irrelevant. Because Daniel was so self-conscious and uncomfortable with his English, he explained that he preferred avoiding interactions and discussions with peers. Notably, however, not being able to communicate in everyday life limits one’s ability to form connections, in turn influencing SofB. Daniel explained that he was very motivated to improve his English skills, but that he was still aware of differences: “whereas other kids were worried about their ranking in the class, I was worried about fitting in and not having my English skills looked down upon, and not speaking with an accent.” Daniel’s narrative illustrates the pervasive desire to be

accepted by “fitting in”—both the desire for SofB and the actual SofB that would result from not being recognized for social, physical, or linguistic differences, but also those that would result from

commonality.

Daniel continued to describe his experience in education, including a turning point during his

sophomore year of high school—what he called “a defining year of his life.” Daniel elaborated: “that is when I actually started coming out of my shell in terms of English.” Another big change in Daniel’s

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life was that he had moved out of his extended family’s home; not only was he no longer subject to his cousin’s taunting, he explained that having a house with only his mother and sister gave him freedom and control. He explained: “I actually started joining activities, being involved in clubs, joining sports.

I actually started doing my high school experience. I could get home late because I actually had a home.” Fundamentally, this “home” had both physical and emotional implications. The home was tension-free and therefore comfortable, but having a physical home also meant the freedom to “do” his high school experience alongside his peers through participation in clubs, sports, and other activities.

Of this year, Daniel said that it was then he “realized I had a lot of opportunities here,” marking a change in his life.

Similarly to Daniel, Ralph explained that it was through family members, rather than society, that Ralph was made to feel the most different and unaccepted. He recalled that his cousins “taunted me about my status. I mean, up to today, I still remember that. They basically made fun of me because I didn’t know English as well…they would kind of point me out because I was undocumented… because I wasn’t from here.” The cousin’s recognition of Ralph’s uniqueness—English skills, birthplace, and ULS—resulted in discomfort, illustrating that extended family members can play a role in challenging SofB in everyday life. Ralph concluded of his cousins: “they brought so much humiliation, not only to me, but to my parents—because I do remember them taunting my parents as well.” Though a

repeatedly negative experience, Ralph turned it into a motivating factor. He explained that “is how I find motivation...I always think back to that and I just want to prove them wrong.” Sometimes, the absence of love, care, esteem, and acceptance can result in long-term resilience and positive outcomes.

In contrast to Isabel, Diego, and Daniel, Cristina did not experience difference due to linguistic

abilities; she came to the United States from Mexico at less than one year of age, so her first encounters with an educational system were in English and in the U.S. Furthermore, she explained that she knew of her ULS since she was six years old, but that ULS did not influence her in her childhood. She explained that questions about ULS “never came up…little kids don’t ask questions like ‘are you undocumented?’ It was always ‘what is your favorite color?’ type of things.” Though she stated that ULS was not something she explicitly shared with others and “was never in my mind when I was little,” her memory suggests indirect influences of ULS in everyday life:

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Most of the people…assumed that I was [undocumented]. I had to deal with racism when I was a kid. I had to deal with so many things because of my race, being undocumented.

That is why I always had doubts. Because I was like “ok, they don’t know I am

undocumented, but yet they know I am Mexican. They are making fun of me because of my race.”

While from Cristina’s statement it is difficult to assess precisely how much influence ULS had on her everyday SofB, it is clear that ULS is conflated with other factors such as race, ethnicity, or nationality.

In this sense, intersubjective perceptions that result in racism illustrate that regardless of whether an outsider’s perceptions are informed or accurate, they can instill self-doubt and negatively influence SofB in everyday interactions.

Cristina explained that her mother worked for a family and that she had close contact with this family growing up; she described them as “the most amazing people ever. They didn’t see us as a different race. They saw us as human beings. I always played with the kids to keep them busy while my mom cleaned their house. They always took me out—me and my sister.” It is telling that Cristina decided to mention this detail in her description of the family, including that they treated her as a “human.” In comparison to her other statements, this particular context and relation allowed her to achieve a self-worth on a par with them, as well as the “human” race.

While her experiences in relation to the family are positive, there was one significant and negative incident that occurred when Cristina was ten years old. Cristina accompanied the family on errands and was initially excited: “everything was so big, everything was so shiny and stuff. The stores were so different than what I was used to.” Cristina was conscious of the material differences in comparison to the stores that she and her family usually visited, but also the social differences: “I remember that there was one African employee and five Anglo-Saxons—that is what I noticed, right? It was me and an African American. Everyone just looked at me.” Her feeling that “everyone” was looking at her may appear to be over-consciousness, but she was indeed being observed:

I was with the girl and we were picking out her bed and everything. I don’t know if it was the assistant manager or the main manager that came to us. He called my mom’s boss over and we were right there. It was the guy, Ms. E, the little girl, and me. And he was like “hi,

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how are you?” She thought that he was going to help him out for a bed and everything. She was like “we are ready to order” and he was like “yes, if you can do me a favor…” and he was like “can you please keep her close? Can you please make her wait in the car because we do not want anything stolen.” I was like “what did I do wrong?”

I questioned Cristina to make sure that I had heard her right and that this scenario was taking place in a furniture store where she was a young girl. She confirmed that it was and added that when she heard that she needed to be kept close, watched, or put in a car—and it was only her, not the other girl from the “Anglo-Saxon” family—she felt less than human. She explained: “I was like am I a dog or

something? Dogs wait in the car for their owner.” Social interactions, including the ways identities are evaluated and judged in everyday social interactions, condition experiences of non-acceptance and self-doubt. This particular experience is not explicitly linked to ULS, but highlights a number of other identity characteristics such as race, ethnicity, or nationality that may result in discrimination during everyday interactions.

In this regard, neither the 1.5GUY nor outsiders need to know ULS to disturb one’s SofB, worth, identity, and membership in the human race. Of this particular scenario, Cristina acknowledged “that is when I found out, that is when I started knowing that there are people out there who are going to look at you like that. And it’s sad that at a young age, I had to learn it like that.” Cristina’s narrative illustrates that being recognized does not always result in positive outcomes; indeed, it was precisely the social recognition of differences that resulted in discrimination and negated SofB. The 1.5GUY are subject to a double-edged sword of discrimination based not only on ULS, but also on racism and related ethnicism. They may become aware of the differences between themselves and their peers early in life. This awareness is sometimes a hyper-consciousness of differences, which affects their

identities, practices, and interactions long before systematic exclusion. In the public sphere, even the most banal of scenarios and interactions can lead to discomfort and discrimination. In these cases, recognition does not result in acceptance; observation is what causes feelings and experiences of difference.