Coming Out Rationales

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associated with increased safety and the decreased chance of detainment. Likewise, Elena called coming out a “life strategy” and illuminated that disclosure of ULS is a means to manage identity, well-being, and SofB: “you have to come out. It is a survival strategy. It’s either you come out, or little pieces of you die off…” Elena further described coming out as a means to manage personal safety in relation to SofB: “It’s a tactic, right? If there were something to happen, there would be uproar within our communities. They know better, not to do anything!” Some 1.5GUY I interviewed firmly believe that the more people that know an individual and their ULS, the better.

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context and relation, but also demographics, race, and ethnicity can factor into decisions about concealing or revealing ULS.

7.1.2.1 Knowledge, Sympathy & Awareness-Raising

Daniel is one of the most secretive youth I interviewed and an individual who actively employs false narratives (see section 6.3), so he is very discerning about disclosing his ULS. While he generally described his approach to ULS as “just living and hiding that secret,” he has disclosed his ULS to a few fellow 1.5GUY. However, Daniel said: “I don’t feel like that is coming out. I feel like coming out is to someone who has no idea.” For Daniel, the definition of coming out requires that another individual has no knowledge of ULS. Daniel’s rationale also requires a certain amount of awareness, and his statement illustrates that some knowledge of immigration is key to his judgment in who to disclose to:

“if they had some awareness of what is going on in immigration, in the Dream Act, I would be more comfortable in telling them.” Because Daniel was normally very secretive about his ULS, the

perception of awareness of immigration and related challenges is likely why he felt comfortable talking with me at length about ULS.

Colombian-born Ofelia, who has resided in Massachusetts for well over a decade, also cited knowledge of immigration as an important factor in her decisions to divulge or conceal ULS, but there were also other important nuances at play. I met Ofelia in a public location of her choice, and when she revealed to me that only her closest childhood friends knew of her ULS, I stopped the interview to suggest we change locations. However, Ofelia insisted that she was fine with both the location and the fact that people were walking by and she defended her choice: “I don’t know these people. No, it’s not weird. I mean, these people come and go.” Due to Ofelia’s lack of attachment to these individuals, she felt comfortable discussing ULS in public. I inquired about how she decides to tell friends about her ULS and she stated: “I get to know the person really personally…I kind of do a little quiz. I test them like

‘how do you feel about immigration?’ or ‘What’s your background?’” Her rationale demonstrates that her comfort with disclosing ULS relates to if she knows an individual or not, and further, if she

perceives that person to be sympathetic and knowledgeable about immigration.

However, some youth take a somewhat opposite approach, as they view disclosing ULS as an opportunity to raise awareness. David was one such youth and described his open approach:

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I would tell anyone who asks me. I was really excited just watching some of the reactions.

And also, I was excited just to have people know that I am undocumented. It feels liberating. It doesn’t feel like you are hiding something all of the time.

For David, coming out results in positive feelings of freedom and excitement; not only does he enjoy the liberation of living freely and openly about his ULS, he also enjoys watching people’s faces as he comes out to them. In a somewhat similar regard, Alfonso explained that he would disclose his ULS

“if it’s relevant in the conversation” and added “I think it’s a good thing to have people know…to make our presence known.” For some 1.5GUY, coming out is a means to increase awareness and recognition of the presence of undocumented individuals in the United States. As Pilar summarily stated “being out doesn’t mean you are free of, or absolved of any possible consequences of being out, but it certainly means you have access to more resources than you do when you are in the shadows.”

7.1.2.2 Fear, Shyness & Trust

Beyond perceptions of knowledge, sympathy, or the desire to raise awareness, fear was a predominant emotion in relation to coming out strategies, but also a complicated one. For example, Ofelia explained that she has not experienced any consequences coming out to friends, but when it comes to significant others, the situation is “more complicated.” Ofelia’s statements illustrate the fear associated with coming out about ULS to boyfriends: “I always think ‘what if I tell them and they react bad?’ or ‘What if I tell them and they want to break up with me?” She further continued that “the fear is always there,”

but added “if I don’t tell them, I am hiding something important about my life… an important piece of the puzzle. I can’t leave it out. I like being truthful.” Thus, for Ofelia—like other 1.5GUY—coming out about ULS requires a careful negotiation between fear and freedom, secrecy and truth. While hiding her ULS may keep her safer, it also compromises her identity, illustrating that conflicting emotions are often part of the coming out experience, and thus maintaining SofB in everyday life.

Similarly, fear was something that Daniel cited in his coming out rationalizations. He explained that:

There is always that fear…what if someone finds out, becomes really jealous of me and all of a sudden calls deportation services on me? What if I get deported because someone knows I am undocumented? Those silly thoughts that the possibility of it happening is not really high, but you just still think about it because you live with it every day.

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In everyday life, 1.5GUY must navigate complex constellations of actual and hypothetical situations that create fear and uncertainty. Though Daniel acknowledges that the possibility of divulging ULS to the wrong person and therefore being deported is not high, it is still a risk that he and other 1.5GUY have while managing their SofB in everyday life and social interactions.

When I talked to Aja, I learned that she had disclosed her ULS to only a handful of her closest friends—often those she met while participating in organizations for undocumented rights. Though Aja grew up in a New York City, she explained that she never knew anyone who was undocumented growing up. Furthermore, her family neither disclosed their ULS to neighbors or peers, nor even discussed ULS in private. When Aja began university, she was very much in the shadows, but decided to join an on-campus organization dedicated to immigrant rights. In doing so, she met and formed a friendship with another undocumented student, whom she describes as a role model:

He showed me. I grew up in a family where it wasn’t spoken, you shouldn’t tell anyone, you should keep quiet. He told me about his story and situation, so I decided to tell him about my situation. Even though it was very difficult for me to come out, I told him and I felt solidarity.

For the first time in her life, Aja felt comfortable disclosing her ULS, especially because both individuals shared this ULS. Though she described the coming out process as difficult, she still

experienced solidarity and thus SofB in this particular context. Within Aja’s narrative is another facet I often encountered in coming out rationales: the importance of sharing one’s ULS to inspire, motivate, and encourage other 1.5GUY who may not yet be out or even aware of support systems, but need to be exposed to and aware of role models and networks.

As Aja discussed the intimate details of her life and immigration story with me, I came to understand that she had not disclosed these similar details to her current partner. She explained her rationale:

I feel like I haven’t told him because I feel like I would be looked at differently. I would be judged. I mean, it plays a lot of factors…I just don’t tell people because I don’t like to be vulnerable. I don’t like to feel dependent. I don’t like to put people in that awkward situation—dating someone who is undocumented… I tell people sometimes just to release