Conditions of Migration & Detachment

Within this section, I examine some of the 1.5GUY’s experiences in relation to migrating to the United States. In particular, I examine narratives which illustrate a collision between past ways of being and belonging and new ones. These narratives document how everyday cultures, languages, physical appearance, identities, and identifications relate to the experience of SofB. These early experiences are indeed part of the cumulative experience of SofB, and also illustrate the various influences and factors at play.

27 Refer to Appendix 4 for interviewee demographics.

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I begin by examining Pilar’s immigration story, as she was quite reflective not only about how arduous the migration journey was, but also how difficult it was to leave behind the comforts of her home. Her migration story began in rural El Salvador when she was four, though she did not actually immigrate to the United States until age six; she first migrated internally to reside with her aunt. Though she did not cross international borders, she was still dismayed about leaving her local community, home, and way of life behind. She recalled: “I loved it there. I remember that day my mother told us we had to move to the city with my aunt. I remember I grabbed the fence and I wouldn’t let go of the fence. They had to yank me away.”

She resisted moving away so much that she had to be physically detached to the fence. Pilar’s mother went to the United States to work, so Pilar, her three year old sister, and her six month old sister were taken to live with their aunt in the interim. Pilar explained: “my mother left one night. They all put us to sleep so we didn’t see them leave, but I remember I was pretending to be asleep…she was crying, she kissed us all, and she left.” For Pilar, migration began with both a destabilization of home and family life.

Pilar explained that three years passed and her aunt suddenly told her that she would join her mother in the United: “I remember my aunt told me to tell no one. So I couldn’t tell my schoolmates. I didn’t say goodbye to nobody.” Not only was she about to lose the connections she had made in her new residence, but she was also not allowed to recognize those connections by saying farewell. Though at the time she had no idea why she could not tell anyone she was leaving nor say goodbye, this detail about leaving remained in her memory. As she abruptly left behind her schoolmates and her once-home, she was delivered to an unknown woman with only one bag of belongings in her possession.

Thus began Pilar’s two-month journey from house-to-house, person-to-person, from rural El Salvador to urban New Jersey via foot, car, and plane. Of the multiple month experience, Pilar remembers being left alone or only with other children in a house or hotel room, being told not to open the door to strangers, and being warned that there was a risk of abduction—or worse. Due to constant risks, the journey of leaving behind her homeland was anything but comfortable, familiar, or safe.

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Pilar also explained that while they “didn’t legit go through the desert, we did cross a river, El Rio Grande,” where she almost lost her life. She described the experience and the river as “so scary, so dangerous” due to the heavy rain the previous night:

I was a very skinny girl, so I almost got washed away. This boy grabbed my arm and he saved my life. Ya, I mean, I never saw him again. I don’t know who he is. I don’t know where he might be in the world. I just remember his face. Every single time I think about these people I met along the way, I am wondering where they are, what have they become.

It’s so strange…you get to the other side, you dry off, you put clothes on, and you go inside the town like you are normal, like you never crossed the river.

Pilar’s experience of almost being swept away and losing her life illustrates one of many perils along the precarious migration process. This is a scenario which constructs anything but SofB, yet at the same time, Pilar recognizes the importance of her involvement with the boy who saved her life. While she knows nothing about him or his whereabouts, she still recognizes his face and the importance of his actions, which allowed her to be where she is today. Additionally, Pilar’s statements acknowledge the dissonance between undertaking such an abnormal journey, only to act “normally” on the other side of the river.

However, the purposeful actions that she needed to undertake as she continued her journey alerted her to the fact that something was not quite normal. She explained: “it was as if the American was trying to cross the border. What they did was cover me up with sweaters and a hat, so that my hair could be hidden. I had to pretend to be asleep so they wouldn’t see my eyes.” Pilar was instructed by another woman assisting in her crossing to behave and appear in a certain way so as to reduce suspicion from the border authorities and mitigate possible questions. Pilar explained that this was the first situation where she became aware of her own physical appearance and the dissonance of outsider’s

expectations—her green eyes, pale skin, and light hair matched more with stereotypical “American”

traits, than those of a Salvadoran. She not only realized that her identity features were different, but also that they required special attention to disguise.

Finally, Pilar boarded a plane from the southwestern United States to New Jersey, where she was to reconnect with her mother and father after several years of separation. When she landed, however, she

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encountered another uncertain situation. Neither having the experience of traveling on a plane, nor the ability to speak English, she remained on the plane while all the other passengers disembarked. The flight attendants approached her, but neither they nor Pilar knew what to do:

They were freaking out ‘cause they didn’t know what to do with me. They were like “we need to find her a pass to go back where she came from.” And then I was like “oh no! They are going to send me back.” I started crying. I was eight years old and so scared. I was like “my parents forgot me. They forgot to come and get me.” And I was so out of my mind.”

The uncertainty of what to do, the possibility that her own family had forgotten her, and the prospects of being sent back to her “home” caused emotional distress. While Pilar was concerned that her parents had forgotten her, she explained that she had also forgotten them: “I had already forgotten what my mother looked like. I had almost never met my father because he was always going back to the U.S. from El Salvador.” Time played a role in structuring Pilar’s ability to recognize even her most intimate attachments and family members, which made it difficult to find her parents in the airport.

The flight attendants took her to the arrival hall, but warned Pilar that they “could not ask strangers if you are theirs because they are probably going to lie. They will kidnap you,” at which point Pilar explained “I gave up all hope.” Though she ended up being reunited with her family, which was “very emotional,” Pilar’s journey entailed various instances of discomfort, insecurity, and uncertainty along the way. Her narrative reminds us that life as an immigrant begins with processes of detachment from one’s existing attachments, modes-of-being, and identifications, and further, that SofB can be

destabilized multiple times during the migration process.

Like Pilar, Diego also had an arduous journey between Mexico and Connecticut at the age of nine.

Though he explained that he didn’t remember much, his narrative is still telling:

I don’t remember much, except when we were actually coming and when we were in the desert. I remember when we were walking…We ran out of food. We ran out of water.

The sun was hitting us. I remember being weak. I remember having thoughts about giving up. But then, I remembered my parents and the decision they made to come and the reason.

It was not only for them, but for me to have a better life, a better education…I just thought

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about everything and I just told myself that if they did that for me and my brother, the least I could do was to continue. So I didn’t give up. I remember that it was that day that I said

“I will never give up. Not now. Not ever.” That just kept me going.

With no food or water, the most fundamental of human needs were absent; Diego was physically weak, but only temporarily emotionally weak. His struggles, in relation to the sacrifices of his parents, served as an inspiration despite the adversity he was facing. I often encountered 1.5GUY who explained that the main reason for their migration was their parents’ hope for a better life and a better education for their children. Diego recognized that sacrifice and uses it to structure his present day resilience: he will never give up, no matter the challenges.

Unlike Diego and Pilar, Daniel arrived from Mexico via visa at the age of twelve; he and his family settled with extended family members the southwestern United States. Upon being asked “can you tell me your story?” Daniel spent fifteen minutes intricately and intimately answering the question,

detailing his personal, educational, economic, and educational challenges throughout his life. He took time to explain how his family’s economic background structured his perception of immigration. He detailed that they migrated “not because of financial difficulties, as many migrants come. We were not rich over there, but we were not poor, either. We were just stable.” He continued to explain his

parents’ choice to migrate:

What shocked my sister and I the most was the fact that as Mexicans, we had the perspective that only poor people migrated to the United States—only those that really needed it. Only those who didn’t have a job, couldn’t find a job migrated. For us as little kids, our perspective was “why are we doing this in the first place?” We were shocked.

For Daniel, the family’s actions did not fit his perception of their identity or socio economic class;

migration was therefore a decision that surprised him.

However, the decision to migrate was not shared by the family; while Daniel’s mother was convinced of the “much better educational opportunities” in the United States, his father was reluctant to leave behind his close-knit family who had grown up together in one town in Mexico. Daniel was also reluctant for much the same reason. He acknowledged that “coming here was a serious challenge, just

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like it is for any other migrant not knowing the language,” but also elaborated on the difficulties of leaving his attachments and modes-of-being behind:

It was hard for us to leave our whole family, leave our friends. Since I was in private school, I had known the same thirty kids from 1^st grade to 6^th grade, so I had grown up with those guys. All of a sudden, I had to leave…it was hard letting go of all of my cousins. I was really attached to my family. I would see them every single weekend. I had thirty cousins to hang out with every weekend.

Daniel was reflective of the emotional hardship associated with migration and in particular, leaving behind a close-knit community, family, and school. For him, it seemed abrupt to leave behind the long-term attachments and relations he had, especially as they played a major role in his everyday life at home. The difficulty and dismay present in Daniel’s narrative was one I frequently heard with other 1.5GUY, as many lamented leaving behind family and friends as a result of migration.

For example, Alvarez migrated when he was twelve when his family drove across the border; while his journey was not arduous, it was still a negative experience. While he did not recall anything significant about his migration process, he did explain that he was against the move: “I didn’t want to come here because I have all my friends there.” These stories illustrate how one’s SofB is interconnected with intimate attachments and relations, all of which are uprooted in the migration process. Another detail that stood out in Alvarez’s immigration story was his recollection that his parents told him they were

“going on vacation,” rather than permanently moving to a new country. While Chilean-born Alejandra was not explicitly told by her mother that they were going on vacation, she recalled thinking that was the case: “I thought I was just coming on vacation, to see my mom or to pick up my mom, but we ended up staying.” Regardless, she was content: “I was really happy because I was with my mom…everything was just amazing because I was back with my mother.” Alejandra’s narrative suggests that knowing the explicit purpose of the trip was less important than being together again with her mother; relations can matter more than location or purpose. Brazilian-born Leonardo recalled that he was excited to immigrate to the United States because his experience was connected to a vacation:

“we came with a tourist visa, and we came legally via the tourist route. We got to see the attractions such as Disney World, which is amazing for a nine year old to see!” Whether immigration experiences

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are associated with positive or negative memories, these narratives illustrate the various modes through which parents condition the immigration experience for their children.